


Could Be Worse

by andquitefrankly



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Arranged Marriage, M/M, prompt:political marriage au, tony's the worst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-25
Updated: 2014-12-25
Packaged: 2018-03-03 12:23:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2850746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andquitefrankly/pseuds/andquitefrankly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Somehow Tony got roped into marrying a space alien, and it isn't that he doesn't want to marry the space babe, it's more like, no one asked him first.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Could Be Worse

**Author's Note:**

> Hi hi! So this is for my person, who wishes to remain anonymous, but GR #16, this is for you ;)   
> And I hope you like.

There were some things that were more or less inevitable in life.

Tony being named the Sexiest Man Alive for the sixth year in a row was to be expected. Look at him. There was no competition. Maybe he was slightly vain about it, but damn, he was one good looking man. No one could compete.

Him getting unbelievably drunk and banging that hottie giving him bedroom eyes, completely inevitable. And if she turned out to be the French Prime Minister’s daughter, well that wasn’t his fault. They were both consenting adults, and besides, you’d think people would get tired of these types of scandals.

The one thing that Tony really should have seen coming, but didn’t, was his inevitable arranged marriage.

His parents had been dead for years and he was (not quite) middle aged. Who the hell was going to force him into marriage? Pepper? Oh, he’d like to see her try.

So why he was suddenly in the middle of talks for wedding some alien royal person who thought they were a god, he really wasn’t all that sure. And why did they pick him? Was there no one else they could throw to the dogs, so to speak.

“No,” Fury said, not even looking up from the papers on his desk, ask if Tony was wasting _his_ time. And that never happened to Tony. If anything, people wasted _his_ time, not the other way around.

“Who are you anyway?” Tony asked, sprawled out in his chair, sunglasses perched on the end of his nose. “The head of the secret police?”

“Something like that,” Fury said, the only thing he was able to get out of the bastard.

So here he was, wearing the most ridiculous clothes ever (yes, he looked good, but that was besides the point. Leather was not comfortable in 90 degree weather) and standing in the New Mexico desert beside a strangely marked circle.

“Not to be that guy,” Tony said, breaking the tense silence that fell upon the SHIELD agents that had dragged him out there. “But does this armor make my butt look big? Granted, it’s already big, but does it look bigger than usual?”

“Stark,” Coulson chastised, hands clasped firmly behind his back as he shot Tony a reproachful look.

“I’m concerned,” Tony said. “What if they don’t go for the big butt thing. What of these aliens don’t even have butts.”

“They have butts,” Jane Foster piped up, brown hair pulled up in a sloppy ponytail. She looked like she slept in her van. “They’re very human looking.”

Tony simply nodded. How convenient. He couldn’t even pretend he was appalled by their appearance. Unless this betrothed person was horribly ugly. Then Tony would get out of that real quick.

A great flash of light and suddenly the spot in front of him was filled with two large, armor clad men, one dark and thin, the other blonde and thick, his muscles on display. Well if they appreciated biceps and triceps as much as this guy, then they had to appreciate the gluteus.

“Son of Coul,” the blonde one greeted with a warm, jovial smile, arms stretched out as he approached Coulson for a hug. He dodged out of the way in time, but it still didn’t stop the snort from Tony, or from the raven haired alien.

Coulson fixed his suit as he made introductions. “This is Thor and his brother, Loki,” he said, pulling Tony forward. “And this is Anthony Stark.”

“Tony,” Tony said. No one called him Anthony.

“Son of Stark,” Thor greeted, bowing and grabbing Tony’s hand, placing a gentle kiss on his knuckles. Tony snatched back his hand and stared in disbelief. He was no maiden, thank you very  much.

Thor seemed unaware of the dirty look Tony was sending him as he turned to Loki and asked, “What do you think, Loki?”

“I suppose he’ll do,” Loki replied, turning his head away and staring off into the horizon like some deep hero of old. Well, Tony had a few choice words to say to that.

The first being bullshit, and the second being he didn’t even want to marry whoever he was set up to marry. He was just minding his own business and next thing he knew he was in the middle of marriage negotiations and a one eyed guy telling him that he didn’t have to marry their alien princess, he just had to pretend he was going to so he could go to Asgard and get intel.

Right. Like _that_ was going to happen. 

Not that was actually going to tell them all of that, but it was still irksome, to say the least. “I’ll do?” Tony repeated, completely dumbfounded. “Who the hell do you think you are. I’m volunteering myself as a human sacrifice and I’m not even good enough? Do you usually kidnap random billionaires, or just me, cause quite frankly, I’m not in the mood to do some intergalactic traveling with Hercules and his moody sidekick.”

The deafening silence that followed should have warned Tony that he had over stepped his bounds. Honestly, if they wanted someone docile, they might as well have sent a cardboard cutout of him because Tony bowed down to no one. He was too high on the food chain to have even an ounce of self preservation.

“He’s fiery!” Thor exclaimed, surprising everyone around him. “I like him.”

“Yes, yes,” Loki muttured. “Let’s just get on with it.”

* * *

Gold. So much gold. Any second Tony was sure his eyes were going to start bleeding with all the glare and bright light. The only saving grace was that his sunglasses weren’t taken from him, and so he was walking around Asgard wearing his Ray Bans and trying his best to keep up to the long legged weirdos.

“So who am I marrying exactly?” Tony asked. “And, follow up question, is she hot?”

“By the norns, do you ever shut up?” Loki shouted, walking just a little bit faster.

What was that guy’s problem? Someone had a stick shoved up their ass.

“Do not mind Loki,” Thor said, placing a heavy hand on Tony’s shoulder. “He’s very nervous about the wedding.”

Right. Okay. “Why the hell is he nervous?” Tony asked. “He’s not the one getting married to a stranger in three days.”

The echoing silence was his answer. Oh. OH. “I’m marrying him,” Tony said. Well. There were worse things to be married to.

“I refuse,” Loki snarled, storming away.

* * *

Tony threw himself onto his large, overstuffed bed. Probably the only good thing around here. That and the alcohol.

In the two days he’d actually spent in Asgard, he’d spoken maybe five words to his fiancé, who completely hated his guts. He had no idea how this whole marriage was going to work when they couldn’t stand in the same room without Tony somehow insulting the other man.

There was a knock on the door and Tony grunted, hoping that whoever it was would get the hint and leave.

The door opened. Apparently, they hadn’t.

“What?” Tony asked, staring up at the golden ceiling. There was no escaping the gold.

“Mother insisted I get to know you better,” Loki said disinterestedly, looking at his fingernails as if that was much more interesting than Tony, who was probably the most interesting guy around.

Tony sat up, eyebrows raised. He liked Frigga. She was a pretty badass woman, one who accepted his flirtations like a champ and was clearly the brains behind the royal family. She was the type of woman who had to keep two boisterous sons and an overly confident husband in check, and knew how to deal with anyone.

And from what Tony could see, Loki admired his mother greatly. This was no doubt a visit out of guilt. Or punishment.

“Whatd’ya want?”

“We’re to be wed tomorrow,” Loki began. “And I was advised to… put my reservations aside and attempt a camaraderie with you.”

“Your mom yell at you?”

“Yes,” Loki admitted with a frown, pulling up a chair and setting himself down, not waiting for an invitation.

Tony sighed. He really didn’t want to do this right now. “Look, Lokes, I get it. You don’t like me. I don’t like you. How about we say we tried to become friends but failed,” Tony suggested. “Because I’m tired and if I don’t sleep, I’m going to die.”

“I’m extending an olive branch,” Loki said, completely put out. He had been less than an ideal betrothed and he knew what dishonor that could bring his family.

“Extend it later,” Tony yawned, grabbing a pillow and hiding his face.

“You pompous jackass,” Loki huffed, rising from his chair and ripping the pillow from Tony’s face. “We are going to become friends if I have to chain you to me.”

“Kinky,” Tony responded.

* * *

When Thor knocked on Loki’s door, he got no response. Curious, he stepped inside and found it empty.

He looked for his mother, expecting his brother to be with her, but Frigga was alone. She did, however, point him in the right direction, suggesting she visit Tony’s rooms.

When he knocked on Tony’s door, he also received no response. He opened the door a crack, afraid to find Tony hanging from the ceiling by his fingernails, only to find his brother and his fiancé giggling on Tony’s bed.

“So of course, the idiot’s stuffing his face, and Thrym’s beginning to think that maybe this isn’t Freya. Again. So I tell him that she just hadn’t eaten in a week in excitement. And that moron bought it.”

“Loki!” Thor shouted. “You promised not to tell that story ever again!”

Loki and Tony burst out into laughter once more, unaware of how pleased Thor secretly was that they had begun to get along at last.

 

 


End file.
